A Memoir for My Angel Babies

They say time heals wounds.  But, I’ve found that time doesn’t heal the wound.  Time only puts a Bandaid on the wound.  Talking with others about the loss of your child, honoring your child’s memory, and expressing the feelings you’ve experienced while going through this despairing, confusing, traumatic, and terrifying situation helps to begin the healing process.  Although your wounds may have healed, you will be forever scarred.  That was my personal situation, anyway.  Within the past couple of years, my husband and I have experienced 4 miscarriages.  Here is my story:

My husband and I have 2 beautiful daughters and had decided it was time to try for a son (I know, I know…you don’t get to choose that part).  When I took that first pregnancy test and it came out positive, we were both elated!  I had never experienced the loss of a pregnancy, so I was naïve to the realization of miscarriage.  We were so excited that we told everyone we knew, I posted it on social media, and we video taped us telling our daughters.  I went in to my 12 week appointment, where I was scheduled to hear the heartbeat.  I was so excited!  During the appointment, the doctor couldn’t hear the heartbeat with the external fetal heart monitor.  But, that didn’t alarm me at all.  During my pregnancies with my daughters, the doctor was also unable to hear their heartbeats with the monitor and had to do an internal ultrasound both times.  So, I just assumed it was going to be the same situation.  When the doctor showed me my baby on that screen, I squealed with excitement, only to be quickly shut back down.  She informed me that my baby had no heartbeat and had passed away at 7 weeks.  I literally felt like my heart had broken into a thousand pieces.  I cried, and I cried hard!  I made her check and recheck.  I didn’t believe her.  But, it was true.  My baby had died.  Although I had such a great support system, I felt so alone.  I wondered why God would do this to me.  “I’m a good person, God!  Why would you do this to me?!?”  People would tell me “It just wasn’t in God’s plan.”, in hopes of making me feel better.  But, that didn’t make me feel better.  I felt responsible, like there was something that I did that caused my baby’s heart to beat for the last time.  I knew in my heart that there was nothing I could’ve done differently, but that didn’t matter. I felt like my emotions were out of control.  I was in despair.  I was angry.  I was confused.  I also felt guilty for having these feelings.  My husband and I have been blessed with 2 beautiful children, while there are others in the world who have never been able to have children and have lost children that they got to hold in their arms.  How dare I be so selfish as to be so sad about a child that I never even met?  But, I loved that child from the moment I knew (s)he was in my womb.  I cried about it for a long time.  I still cry about it to this day.  The truth is, I am crying as I write this blog and re-experience these emotions.  This was my experience with my first miscarriage.  As the next 3 pregnancies were identified, we had similar experiences.  Each pregnancy went from being excited when finding out to being scared.  It was with each miscarriage that I learned that I, in fact, am NOT alone.  I DO have a strong support system filled with people who love me, people who have been through similar situations, and people who are just there for a leaning post or listening ear.  I learned that the feelings that I felt are justified and common feelings that those effected by pregnancy and infant loss often feel.  I learned that, even though others may “have it worse” than me, that doesn’t make my feelings or my experience any less.  I learned that talking about my experience can not only help others, but helps my heart heal.  I also learned that it’s okay to cry about it.  We’re only human.  When sadness overcomes us, we often cry.  Although my heart heals day by day, the scars are there.  You are always in my heart, soul, and thoughts, my little angel babies.

My husband and I have, since, been blessed with a bubbling baby boy.  I thank God everyday for my 3 living children and ask him to take good care of my Heavenly babies.  Although I will always be sad about these losses, I am also grateful to now understand the realization of miscarriage and infancy loss.  My hope, for you, is that, if you are experiencing or have experienced pregnancy or infancy loss, you will reach out to someone.  Talk about your story.  Spread love and awareness.